Am I going to feel like this forever?

Exactly my thoughts as I seemly laid on my death bed of early pregnancy + Covid, a combo a do not wish on my worst enemy.

Let’s start with how it all began, well maybe not the very beginning, you obviously know how babies are made. I’ll start with the morning I took my pregnancy test.

This was our 4 month of trying to get pregnant, I was meticulously tracking my cycle with an app, using my temperature every morning, so I had a pretty good idea of my ovulation day every month. Without going in too much details (Maybe I’ll do a pre-pregnancy blog next?) the days moving up to your predicted ovulation, you get busy between the sheets. That’s exactly what we did. Clearly I knew that our actions would eventually lead to a baby but it didn’t stop me from shock and shear panic when it did happen.

The couple weeks prior to taking the test I knew something was a little off. I started waking up every single night at 3am, like clockwork. My sleep otherwise, was always smooth and predictable. And then I noticed my temperature was running a bit “high” compared to its norm. I had been taking my morning temperature for over a year at this point so I knew what was normal and what wasn’t. I remember waking up one morning and putting two and two together, the weird sleep pattern and elevated temperature and thinking “Oh, fuck.”

Fast forward to the morning, I went downstairs while Tim was still sleeping and took the test….positive. It’s funny, I had thought about all these fun and cute ways to tell Tim I was pregnant when the time came. Sure as shit, all those went out the window. I don’t even remember how I felt, a mix of excitement and fear. I walked upstairs, woke him up with my freshly pee covered stick and said “What the fuck did we do?” We hugged, I think I cried?

We went downstairs, and drank our coffee.

The first 3 weeks were a little rough for me, I wanted to feel excited but I was bogged down with panic. For those of you who don’t know, I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder a few years back and it can be a real bitch sometimes. I started waking up most mornings feeling panicked and really elevated in my body. And I could no longer take my Xanax if I was in a bind. I’ve also had chronic back pain the last 2.5 years as well so I think all the things I worried about just came down on me at once. Ruminating thoughts, feeling really scared about my back, and all the other normal fears of finding out your pregnant and the responsibility of keeping a baby alive.

What a ride! Eventually, some of those feelings balanced out, and I do see a therapist for support too. I was starting to feel a little more optimistic, and might I even say excited. Then…. COVID.

I had pretty minimal pregnancy symptoms prior to COVID, a little low on energy, sore breasts, but that was about it. No nausea, food aversions, sleep problems, nothing. But once COVID rolled in, my pregnancy symptoms were like “hey, we are going to get you too.” It’s hard to say what was COVID and what was pregnancy, all I know is I got my ass handed to me. A humbling experience I might add, as I assumed when I got the C, I would fare okay. Not the case.

It took me 3 weeks to get back to feeling remotely healthy again. I was basically bed ridden for almost 2 weeks, the fatigue was something I’ve never felt before in my life. I could hardly manage to roll myself off the couch and go to the bathroom, it took SO much effort. I didn’t walk, I didn’t go outside.

This was my day; wake up at 7am, go downstairs, laid on the couch to watch tv, went back to bed around 9am-11am, maybe ate something if my nausea was at bay. Binged watch Selling Sunsets and In the Dark on Netflix, had my mid afternoon nap around 1 or 2. Maybe showered if I could make it upstairs, maybe watched a movie, and got ready for bed again around 8pm. I have never slept that much in my life and it went over for DAYS. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I started having a mild temperature for a few days and remember being so scared because “you shouldn’t spike a fever in the first trimester.” I tried everything to lower my temperature ( baths, cool clothes, light clothing) to avoid having to take Tylenol but eventually I had to take some, thankfully, my temperature returned to normal after a couple days.

The temperature broke and then the nausea kicked in, I felt like someone constantly just had a finger pressed down my throat, the constant reflex of wanting to vomit, although I never actually did. But it made it extremely difficult to eat anything. Food was minimal for at least a week. I eventually took a nausea medication (B6 and Unisom) from my doctor so I could get some food down. Worked like a charm.

Fast forward, the fatigue lingered, and it was really hard and I was starting to feel anxious that it wouldn’t go away. I regretted being pregnancy several times during this. My anxiety was spinning “am I going to feel this forever?” I was worried that that was it, that’s how my pregnancy would go forever. After several more days, the fatigue slowly started to lift and I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I was able to return to walking, and slowly inch my way back into the gym after 3.5 weeks. When COVID left, the nausea left and I thankfully have not had much of it, or any food aversions since then. I really feel for the woman who are nauseous literally their entire 1st trimester, I can’t even imagine.

Now rolling into week 10, I feel pretty good…… with a smidge of emotional instability. My energy is still a little wavering but I’m thoroughly enjoying my mid-afternoon siestas, and am able to do my normal day activities. It’s definitely weird to not have your body anymore, to have it change so quickly, and you can’t do a damn thing about it. Having low energy is a tough pill for me to swallow, coming from days of stable, predictable energy, to being at the mercy of a fetus the size of a lime sucking the energy out of me. I’m back in the gym regularly although I have to fight with my back most days. This might be TMI but I do continue to have nipples that could slice someone in half, I’m always cold, some days I want to kill Tim or kiss him, sleep is choppy and one cute animal video on FB has the ability to make me cry, but outside of that, I am ready to take 2nd trimester by the nuts.

Mindset is everything, I remind myself that this is temporary, that I am resilient, capable and calm. Get yourself a therapist if you need it. My body knows what to do, and I just have to accept it, honor it and adapt. It will be hard, messy, happy and a mind-fuck, but it will be worth it.

Diet: outside of COVID when I couldn’t eat much, my diet is relatively the same. I still focus on animal-based nutrition. I eat lots of eggs, chicken thighs, red meat, avocado, fruit, some yams, white rice, bone broth and chocolate. I have consciously tried to increase my fish and seafood intake as I don’t typically incorporate those foods, but I do know they are higher in vital nutrients for fetal development so I’ve been eating, cod, shrimp, sardines, scallops and others.

Movement: same as pre-pregnancy, I lift about 4 days a week and I walk a shit ton. I have not needing to make any medications to movement. I see a pelvic floor PT every 3 weeks and get regular chiropractic care. These 2 services will continue throughout my pregnancy.

Resources: I am currently reading Real Food Pregnancy and Excepting Better, I highly recommend both of those. I also am listening to Hunt, Gather, Parent on audible and I am blown away by it!

** Disclaimer- I am not a medical provider, please do not take any of my information as medical advice. I am only sharing my experiences and resources I have found. Advice with your doctor. ****